“But we will still remain vigilant, and life jackets may become a seasonal thing worn every October through April to stay safe.”
Despite the updated guidelines, many liberals announced they would continue to wear life jackets until the chance of drowning in a sudden freak flash flood hit 0%.
“This is way too soon,” said Krissy Mackinaw of Austin, Texas as she watched people walk by without life jackets. “Look at these anti-science neanderthals walking around!” Her state of Texas removed the life jacket mandate several months ago, causing many experts to predict there would be a massive spike in drownings, but none of those predictions of doom came true. “You’re all going to die!” she screamed at passersby as she put a snorkel on.”